As I said in the last post, the last few years have been the most difficult years of my life. Until the last few months, I hadn’t realized the impact that these past few years have had on me.
It wasn’t until someone else shared their story that I discovered my own.
Why am I not laughing as I normally would?
Why am I not enjoying life as I think I should be?
Why do the tears not flow when I think they normally would?
Why do I act the way that I do to certain people?
Why…?
Why…?
Why…?
I keep hearing and reading over and over again about being real and being vulnerable.
Why are we so afraid of being who we are? I am tired of being scared of being me. I want to live my life for Christ and not for everyone else… therefore, I want to share some of my story.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20
After Tanner (2) was born I struggled with depression. In addition to Tanner being born, there were other things on my plate that I was trying to deal with. After a few months or so, I came out of it… or so I thought. Then, in preparing for TJ’s birth, I was proactive regarding my mental health as I didn’t want to go to that place again. I began counseling through a wonderful ministry in town. I went through one counselor and didn’t feel as though I was getting anywhere. I wasn’t getting to the depth I wanted/needed to go. Then, another counselor came along. And someone shared their family’s story at MOPS. Is that me? Are they talking about some things I struggle with? Really, am I depressed and don’t even know it? Really? Is that possible?
So after MOPS I came home and read all the signs of depression (that I had likely read many, many times before). Yep, that was sounding like me. I talked to my husband about it when he got home. I went to counseling that night and talked it through with my counselor. Depressed…. For a few years? What? Really? Me?
I have struggled in my marriage due to my past and always needing more recognition than he could ever give me. I can’t expect everyone else to lift me up, I need to find it within my own heart. I need to be able to love myself and be okay with who I am. I need to find it through Christ… in my heart. Christ is the only one who can love me and fill the hole in my heart to its capacity. Yes, I can get “topped off” by my husband or family or friends, but God needs to be the source. I can’t do it without Him. He needs to be my all in all!
As one of the Women of Faith speakers said, “Counseling reveals, God heals!!” I truly believe that God has used counseling to bring me to where I am at. Our emotions can send us in the wrong direction, but God’s Word stands firm and is unchanging. He will not give us more than we can handle. His Word is truth!
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
I have struggled in my relationship with the Lord, to make Him a constant in my life. But He has never left me. He has always been there for me even when I haven’t felt near to Him.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
It’s strange to say I am waiting for my tears to return, but I truly am. I cry at some things, but not at even more things I normally would cry about. Tears are okay; tears are normal; and I want to be able to feel them again and not be numb. I want the laughter to return and I want my joy to come from the Lord, not on the fleeting things of this world!!
“But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.” Psalm 68:3
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Insecurity with vulnerability
Written March 24, 2012 and just getting the "guts" to post:
The last few years have been the most difficult years of my life. The challenges I have faced are helping me to learn more about myself and who I want to be. The most important part for me of these last couple years has been the way that Jesus is using this time to speak to me and help me to be broken and have no choice but to rely on Him instead of those around me. Everyone around me could leave me or hurt me, HE is the constant. My husband or my children could die tomorrow but He will be there, He will take care of me. He will always be there for me, holding my hand, and loving me unconditionally like no person can. If I don’t have Him, what do I have?
“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
When I am feeling insecure and not valuable, God speaks to me. He tells me, “Trust me. Be confident in Me. I love you. I will take care of you. I want you.” I want to feel secure in Him regardless of how someone may be treating me, regardless of who has left me, regardless of my circumstances. He loves me and believes that I am beautiful- flaws, mistakes, and all. If I make a mistake, as I often do, he takes my hand and leads me in the right direction- the best direction- His direction. I want to follow His will, His Word. I don’t want to make up my own plan and follow my own ideas, I want to follow HIM.
So the other day, thinking about all this, I sat down to try to have some quiet time with Him. I sat down to read my “Jesus Calling” devotional along with its Bible verses and the first line says, “This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control…” Wow, thank you Jesus for speaking to me so clearly, so directly. Thank you for helping to direct me… towards you. Thank you for telling me to let go and know that YOU are in control. It is much more difficult to live life when I think that I am in control. If I am in control, I’m in trouble!!
I have been insecure for many years but I hope to draw closer to Christ and know, to the core of my being, that He loves me for who I am. I want to get beyond the doubts of this world and believe without a doubt that He loves me where I am at. He helps me to become the woman that HE wants me to become… for His glory.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 13-14
The last few years have been the most difficult years of my life. The challenges I have faced are helping me to learn more about myself and who I want to be. The most important part for me of these last couple years has been the way that Jesus is using this time to speak to me and help me to be broken and have no choice but to rely on Him instead of those around me. Everyone around me could leave me or hurt me, HE is the constant. My husband or my children could die tomorrow but He will be there, He will take care of me. He will always be there for me, holding my hand, and loving me unconditionally like no person can. If I don’t have Him, what do I have?
“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
When I am feeling insecure and not valuable, God speaks to me. He tells me, “Trust me. Be confident in Me. I love you. I will take care of you. I want you.” I want to feel secure in Him regardless of how someone may be treating me, regardless of who has left me, regardless of my circumstances. He loves me and believes that I am beautiful- flaws, mistakes, and all. If I make a mistake, as I often do, he takes my hand and leads me in the right direction- the best direction- His direction. I want to follow His will, His Word. I don’t want to make up my own plan and follow my own ideas, I want to follow HIM.
So the other day, thinking about all this, I sat down to try to have some quiet time with Him. I sat down to read my “Jesus Calling” devotional along with its Bible verses and the first line says, “This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control…” Wow, thank you Jesus for speaking to me so clearly, so directly. Thank you for helping to direct me… towards you. Thank you for telling me to let go and know that YOU are in control. It is much more difficult to live life when I think that I am in control. If I am in control, I’m in trouble!!
I have been insecure for many years but I hope to draw closer to Christ and know, to the core of my being, that He loves me for who I am. I want to get beyond the doubts of this world and believe without a doubt that He loves me where I am at. He helps me to become the woman that HE wants me to become… for His glory.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 13-14
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