Waiting for the tears and laughter to return April 21, 2012

As I said in the last post, the last few years have been the most difficult years of my life. Until the last few months, I hadn’t realized the impact that these past few years have had on me.

It wasn’t until someone else shared their story that I discovered my own.

Why am I not laughing as I normally would?
Why am I not enjoying life as I think I should be?
Why do the tears not flow when I think they normally would?
Why do I act the way that I do to certain people?
Why…?
Why…?
Why…?

I keep hearing and reading over and over again about being real and being vulnerable.

http://www.proverbs31.org/she-seeks/get-real-6-2012-04/

Why are we so afraid of being who we are? I am tired of being scared of being me. I want to live my life for Christ and not for everyone else… therefore, I want to share some of my story.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

After Tanner (2) was born I struggled with depression. In addition to Tanner being born, there were other things on my plate that I was trying to deal with. After a few months or so, I came out of it… or so I thought. Then, in preparing for TJ’s birth, I was proactive regarding my mental health as I didn’t want to go to that place again. I began counseling through a wonderful ministry in town. I went through one counselor and didn’t feel as though I was getting anywhere. I wasn’t getting to the depth I wanted/needed to go. Then, another counselor came along. And someone shared their family’s story at MOPS. Is that me? Are they talking about some things I struggle with? Really, am I depressed and don’t even know it? Really? Is that possible?

So after MOPS I came home and read all the signs of depression (that I had likely read many, many times before). Yep, that was sounding like me. I talked to my husband about it when he got home. I went to counseling that night and talked it through with my counselor. Depressed…. For a few years? What? Really? Me?

I have struggled in my marriage due to my past and always needing more recognition than he could ever give me. I can’t expect everyone else to lift me up, I need to find it within my own heart. I need to be able to love myself and be okay with who I am. I need to find it through Christ… in my heart. Christ is the only one who can love me and fill the hole in my heart to its capacity. Yes, I can get “topped off” by my husband or family or friends, but God needs to be the source. I can’t do it without Him. He needs to be my all in all!

As one of the Women of Faith speakers said, “Counseling reveals, God heals!!” I truly believe that God has used counseling to bring me to where I am at. Our emotions can send us in the wrong direction, but God’s Word stands firm and is unchanging. He will not give us more than we can handle. His Word is truth!

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

I have struggled in my relationship with the Lord, to make Him a constant in my life. But He has never left me. He has always been there for me even when I haven’t felt near to Him.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

It’s strange to say I am waiting for my tears to return, but I truly am. I cry at some things, but not at even more things I normally would cry about. Tears are okay; tears are normal; and I want to be able to feel them again and not be numb. I want the laughter to return and I want my joy to come from the Lord, not on the fleeting things of this world!!

“But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.” Psalm 68:3