As I said in the last post, the last few years have been the most difficult years of my life. Until the last few months, I hadn’t realized the impact that these past few years have had on me.
It wasn’t until someone else shared their story that I discovered my own.
Why am I not laughing as I normally would?
Why am I not enjoying life as I think I should be?
Why do the tears not flow when I think they normally would?
Why do I act the way that I do to certain people?
Why…?
Why…?
Why…?
I keep hearing and reading over and over again about being real and being vulnerable.
Why are we so afraid of being who we are? I am tired of being scared of being me. I want to live my life for Christ and not for everyone else… therefore, I want to share some of my story.
“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20
After Tanner (2) was born I struggled with depression. In addition to Tanner being born, there were other things on my plate that I was trying to deal with. After a few months or so, I came out of it… or so I thought. Then, in preparing for TJ’s birth, I was proactive regarding my mental health as I didn’t want to go to that place again. I began counseling through a wonderful ministry in town. I went through one counselor and didn’t feel as though I was getting anywhere. I wasn’t getting to the depth I wanted/needed to go. Then, another counselor came along. And someone shared their family’s story at MOPS. Is that me? Are they talking about some things I struggle with? Really, am I depressed and don’t even know it? Really? Is that possible?
So after MOPS I came home and read all the signs of depression (that I had likely read many, many times before). Yep, that was sounding like me. I talked to my husband about it when he got home. I went to counseling that night and talked it through with my counselor. Depressed…. For a few years? What? Really? Me?
I have struggled in my marriage due to my past and always needing more recognition than he could ever give me. I can’t expect everyone else to lift me up, I need to find it within my own heart. I need to be able to love myself and be okay with who I am. I need to find it through Christ… in my heart. Christ is the only one who can love me and fill the hole in my heart to its capacity. Yes, I can get “topped off” by my husband or family or friends, but God needs to be the source. I can’t do it without Him. He needs to be my all in all!
As one of the Women of Faith speakers said, “Counseling reveals, God heals!!” I truly believe that God has used counseling to bring me to where I am at. Our emotions can send us in the wrong direction, but God’s Word stands firm and is unchanging. He will not give us more than we can handle. His Word is truth!
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
I have struggled in my relationship with the Lord, to make Him a constant in my life. But He has never left me. He has always been there for me even when I haven’t felt near to Him.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
It’s strange to say I am waiting for my tears to return, but I truly am. I cry at some things, but not at even more things I normally would cry about. Tears are okay; tears are normal; and I want to be able to feel them again and not be numb. I want the laughter to return and I want my joy to come from the Lord, not on the fleeting things of this world!!
“But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.” Psalm 68:3
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Insecurity with vulnerability
Written March 24, 2012 and just getting the "guts" to post:
The last few years have been the most difficult years of my life. The challenges I have faced are helping me to learn more about myself and who I want to be. The most important part for me of these last couple years has been the way that Jesus is using this time to speak to me and help me to be broken and have no choice but to rely on Him instead of those around me. Everyone around me could leave me or hurt me, HE is the constant. My husband or my children could die tomorrow but He will be there, He will take care of me. He will always be there for me, holding my hand, and loving me unconditionally like no person can. If I don’t have Him, what do I have?
“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
When I am feeling insecure and not valuable, God speaks to me. He tells me, “Trust me. Be confident in Me. I love you. I will take care of you. I want you.” I want to feel secure in Him regardless of how someone may be treating me, regardless of who has left me, regardless of my circumstances. He loves me and believes that I am beautiful- flaws, mistakes, and all. If I make a mistake, as I often do, he takes my hand and leads me in the right direction- the best direction- His direction. I want to follow His will, His Word. I don’t want to make up my own plan and follow my own ideas, I want to follow HIM.
So the other day, thinking about all this, I sat down to try to have some quiet time with Him. I sat down to read my “Jesus Calling” devotional along with its Bible verses and the first line says, “This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control…” Wow, thank you Jesus for speaking to me so clearly, so directly. Thank you for helping to direct me… towards you. Thank you for telling me to let go and know that YOU are in control. It is much more difficult to live life when I think that I am in control. If I am in control, I’m in trouble!!
I have been insecure for many years but I hope to draw closer to Christ and know, to the core of my being, that He loves me for who I am. I want to get beyond the doubts of this world and believe without a doubt that He loves me where I am at. He helps me to become the woman that HE wants me to become… for His glory.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 13-14
The last few years have been the most difficult years of my life. The challenges I have faced are helping me to learn more about myself and who I want to be. The most important part for me of these last couple years has been the way that Jesus is using this time to speak to me and help me to be broken and have no choice but to rely on Him instead of those around me. Everyone around me could leave me or hurt me, HE is the constant. My husband or my children could die tomorrow but He will be there, He will take care of me. He will always be there for me, holding my hand, and loving me unconditionally like no person can. If I don’t have Him, what do I have?
“For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
When I am feeling insecure and not valuable, God speaks to me. He tells me, “Trust me. Be confident in Me. I love you. I will take care of you. I want you.” I want to feel secure in Him regardless of how someone may be treating me, regardless of who has left me, regardless of my circumstances. He loves me and believes that I am beautiful- flaws, mistakes, and all. If I make a mistake, as I often do, he takes my hand and leads me in the right direction- the best direction- His direction. I want to follow His will, His Word. I don’t want to make up my own plan and follow my own ideas, I want to follow HIM.
So the other day, thinking about all this, I sat down to try to have some quiet time with Him. I sat down to read my “Jesus Calling” devotional along with its Bible verses and the first line says, “This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control…” Wow, thank you Jesus for speaking to me so clearly, so directly. Thank you for helping to direct me… towards you. Thank you for telling me to let go and know that YOU are in control. It is much more difficult to live life when I think that I am in control. If I am in control, I’m in trouble!!
I have been insecure for many years but I hope to draw closer to Christ and know, to the core of my being, that He loves me for who I am. I want to get beyond the doubts of this world and believe without a doubt that He loves me where I am at. He helps me to become the woman that HE wants me to become… for His glory.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 13-14
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Random thoughts on being a mom
There were some days I questioned if I would ever be a mom, being married later in life as I was. Suddenly I find myself the mom of two, soon to be three. It’s hard to believe that I would be trusted with so much.
Being a mom is tough work but I wouldn’t change it for the world. The days that bring joy to my heart and a smile to my face far outweigh the days that are challenging in so many ways. I strive to be the best mom. I want to figure it all out and have my kids have fun and obey each day.
One of my favorite motherhood quotes that I saw posted on Facebook today is “The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” Jill Churchill
That’s what I will strive to be, a good mom. I will never be perfect but I can definitely be good. What a great perspective for me. I know, without a doubt, that I have and will make mistakes along the way. I try my best to not compare myself to other moms, because regardless of how similar or different our parenting may be, we are all different and created to be that way.
I never thought that I would be a stay-at-home mom. But again, I wouldn’t change it for the world. We have made it work for us and have made quite a few sacrifices along the way to make it happen. We gave it to God and he has provided. I don’t know how moms do it that work and maintain a home. We all have our challenges.
I pray for each of the moms that have been unable to have children or have lost children along the way. I can’t imagine that pain. You will be blessed.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me an awesome mom. I truly can’t imagine what I would do without her. She helps with my kids, knows everything about the kitchen =), loves me regardless of my choices, and most importantly, she prays for me and my family! What an incredible example she is to me, a praying and loving mom!
Thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity to be a mom! Please help me along this journey and help me to raise my children in the way they should go.
4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Being a mom is tough work but I wouldn’t change it for the world. The days that bring joy to my heart and a smile to my face far outweigh the days that are challenging in so many ways. I strive to be the best mom. I want to figure it all out and have my kids have fun and obey each day.
One of my favorite motherhood quotes that I saw posted on Facebook today is “The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” Jill Churchill
That’s what I will strive to be, a good mom. I will never be perfect but I can definitely be good. What a great perspective for me. I know, without a doubt, that I have and will make mistakes along the way. I try my best to not compare myself to other moms, because regardless of how similar or different our parenting may be, we are all different and created to be that way.
I never thought that I would be a stay-at-home mom. But again, I wouldn’t change it for the world. We have made it work for us and have made quite a few sacrifices along the way to make it happen. We gave it to God and he has provided. I don’t know how moms do it that work and maintain a home. We all have our challenges.
I pray for each of the moms that have been unable to have children or have lost children along the way. I can’t imagine that pain. You will be blessed.
Thank you, Lord, for giving me an awesome mom. I truly can’t imagine what I would do without her. She helps with my kids, knows everything about the kitchen =), loves me regardless of my choices, and most importantly, she prays for me and my family! What an incredible example she is to me, a praying and loving mom!
Thank you Lord for giving me this opportunity to be a mom! Please help me along this journey and help me to raise my children in the way they should go.
4 Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. 5 Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates. Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Thursday, May 5, 2011
"You Can't Do That"
Today was our last regular meeting of MOPS this year. They asked, “How has your life been impacted this year?” (or something like that) A few ladies shared how God has touched their lives this year. I wanted to get up and share a couple different things but it scares me half to death. If I hadn’t been choked up for half the other chats, maybe I could have.
For me, when she asked something about our kids this year, I was thinking about Ashley and a conversation I had with an old friend this weekend at the Devoted Hearts Women’s Conference.
Travis and I have been contemplating homeschooling for our children. There are so many questions to ask and find answers to. My biggest fear is not being able to do it, not being good enough. Since Ashley has been slow at walking, talking, and her overall growth, it’s a challenge to think that I am going to be able to teach her... anything. I simply doubt my ability. Not only that, I’m also scared of the judgment and doubts of those around me. “Why would you want to home school?” “Oh, you’re a home school family?” Those fears hit me hardest when I found out that less than a handful of our MOPS group is considering homeschooling. I’m doing my best to know, we simply need to do what is best for OUR family. Just because it may not be everyone’s choice, doesn’t mean it can’t be ours. Those who choose to place their children in public school, there is nothing wrong with that. Those who choose to place their children in private school, there is nothing wrong with that. Those who choose to home school, there is nothing wrong with that either. I guess I just don’t want to be one of “those” families. I am learning more and more though (daily it seems) that I can’t focus on what everyone around me thinks, and the world thinks, and build my life on that. I need to live for Jesus and my family, first and foremost. I will never live up to all the expectations of people around me, we fail others.
So, all of this leading to my point. I was talking to my friend about my fears and that Ashley may not “get it”, etc. She reminded me, “There are some people that think that children need to learn to read at two years old and others that think they don’t need to learn to read until they are eight years old. Everyone has different standards/expectations. But are you living your life on the world’s standards or God’s standards?” This really resonated with me because I was trying to place my own expectations on myself according to the world (as usual) and not what’s important to God.
It doesn’t matter if “the world” says “You can’t do that.”
It doesn’t matter if “the world” says “Why would you do that?”
It doesn’t matter if “the world” says “You aren’t _____ enough to do that.”
“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.”Philippians 4:13
No matter what our decision ends up being, God will help me. When I fail, He will pick me up. When I succeed, it will be because of Him and He will celebrate with us.
For me, when she asked something about our kids this year, I was thinking about Ashley and a conversation I had with an old friend this weekend at the Devoted Hearts Women’s Conference.
Travis and I have been contemplating homeschooling for our children. There are so many questions to ask and find answers to. My biggest fear is not being able to do it, not being good enough. Since Ashley has been slow at walking, talking, and her overall growth, it’s a challenge to think that I am going to be able to teach her... anything. I simply doubt my ability. Not only that, I’m also scared of the judgment and doubts of those around me. “Why would you want to home school?” “Oh, you’re a home school family?” Those fears hit me hardest when I found out that less than a handful of our MOPS group is considering homeschooling. I’m doing my best to know, we simply need to do what is best for OUR family. Just because it may not be everyone’s choice, doesn’t mean it can’t be ours. Those who choose to place their children in public school, there is nothing wrong with that. Those who choose to place their children in private school, there is nothing wrong with that. Those who choose to home school, there is nothing wrong with that either. I guess I just don’t want to be one of “those” families. I am learning more and more though (daily it seems) that I can’t focus on what everyone around me thinks, and the world thinks, and build my life on that. I need to live for Jesus and my family, first and foremost. I will never live up to all the expectations of people around me, we fail others.
So, all of this leading to my point. I was talking to my friend about my fears and that Ashley may not “get it”, etc. She reminded me, “There are some people that think that children need to learn to read at two years old and others that think they don’t need to learn to read until they are eight years old. Everyone has different standards/expectations. But are you living your life on the world’s standards or God’s standards?” This really resonated with me because I was trying to place my own expectations on myself according to the world (as usual) and not what’s important to God.
It doesn’t matter if “the world” says “You can’t do that.”
It doesn’t matter if “the world” says “Why would you do that?”
It doesn’t matter if “the world” says “You aren’t _____ enough to do that.”
“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.”Philippians 4:13
No matter what our decision ends up being, God will help me. When I fail, He will pick me up. When I succeed, it will be because of Him and He will celebrate with us.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Dad's Honor Flight
In April, dad went on the Honor Flight out of Rochester for WWII vets. He was very excited when Travis, Ashley and I greeted him when he arrived home. It was a really neat time.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
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